Sarah Palin’s ‘Green Eggs and Ham’: Corrected Edition

The televised reading of “Green Eggs and Ham” was one of the most amazing and unthinking elements of Senator Ted Cruz’s faux filibuster — astonishing because it was read without irony, as if he didn’t seem to understand the book’s meaning. I really didn’t think anyone could top it, but Sarah Palin just did.

Sarah is an interesting sort of not-really-a-politician politician, a breed made possible by our post-9/11, always on, always outraged political media culture. Much like Ann Coulter, she’s a modern carpetbagger, not really standing for anything specific, but just smart enough to string together meaningful-sounding slogans and pound them into low-information voters with a forceful and seemingly confident delivery.

Her performance at CPAC 2014 may well be the apex of Sarah’s career in the American neopolitick.

This kind of creature thrives on being covered by lazy reporters and editors who want a quick juice in their traffic. You see, in online, quick-hit journalism (which increasingly fuels the networks), someone like Sarah Palin is low-hanging fruit, easily whacked off the branch, dropped in the basket and fed to the beast. People who love her love her, despite their decreasing numbers, and people who hate her still click on this shit. And that’s why to many publishers in the online world, some clicks might as well be slaps — and content that causes readers to slap-click is actively cultivated, because nothing gets people sharing an article like outrage.

Still, if we’re now going to be modifying Dr. Seuss to distract from the obvious problem that Ted Cruz is a fucking idiot, let’s go ahead and set Palin straight on a few key points in her newfound children’s book format (admittedly a smart tactic when speaking at CPAC). Here’s my corrected version of Sarah Palin’s retelling of Ted Cruz’s nasally reading of Dr. Seuss’s classic, “Green Eggs and Ham.”

I do not like this, Uncle Sam;
I do not like this insurance scam.


I do not like these banker crooks;
or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when we drop bombs;
I do not like American pogroms.

I do not like this spyin’, man;
But we can fix this, yes we can.


I do not like corporate welfare sprees;
We’re smart and know that nothing’s free.

I do not like Fox News reporters’ lies;
told without thinking, research or even disguise.


I do not like this Palin dope;
And will never write about her again — nope, nope, nope.

That’s it. I have exorcised the daemons. The only way I’ll ever write about Palin again is if I somehow encounter her up close, or at least some of her fans. So long, Sarah. It’s been fun.


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